Sins

So I have noticed that for whatever reason, the sins I am struggling with are the "big" ones.  Pride is one I have mentioned before. Another few I have found myself struggling with are Envy and Jealousy.  I don't think of myself as a bitter person but it seems when people I like (some of them very very good friends) have opportunities that I would prefer to have I can't stand it.  Random chance to move to Europe - rather than being excited or happy for that person I am upset. Its really not a pretty side of my personality...not only is there the envy and jealousy but there is also an element of judgement.  This is obviously an area where I need to work on compassion, an area where I can hopefully grow into being a better friend and a better Christian.

Pride

One thing that I continually find myself struggling with is pride.  I think part of the reason for that is just a natural tendency to think highly of myself.  But perhaps part of its focus in my life right now stems from my new job.  Not about the job but thinking about who will replace me. 

I find myself thinking that it will be hard to find someone from the early career set that will be able to perform as I have and deal with the issues and difficult personalities I have had to deal with.  In reality there are a lot of great early career people out there...its hard to face up to the things that we have to deal with personally.  Its so much easier to look at others and see there faults.

Whats up with working women?

So here is perhaps my only complaint about our venture into orthodoxy....am I the anomoly because I work?  I mean, I'm smart, well educated, and employed...why is that so surprising.  And why is it that I get asked that question so often with the expectation that I don't work?  What would I do at home, we don't have any kids....It is the twenty-first century...

Anyway enough with the rant - more likely its caused by something unrelated to the topic.  This week was our last week with Fr. James as the catecumen teacher.  Classes resume in a few weeks where the topics will be more about theology and taught by Fr. Joseph.

Next week is also a Hierachical Liturgy - should be interesting.  The Bishop will be at the Church. Not sure what to expect; although it always seems that once we get comfortable with the general setup of the service something changes. I imagine we can expect more of that with the Christmas season just around the corner.  Will try to keep you posted as we begin to figure those things out.

Pilgrimage

Yesterday we went on a pilgrimage to Mesquite Texas.  It was to the Shrine of Our Lady of Waslingham (http://ourladyofwalsingham.org/index.html).  The day was devoted to the Theotokos (in English the Virgin Mary).  It was a Western Rite day so some of the music and structure was familiar.  We also rode with some people from church so it was a great opportunity to get to know some people better.

I don't really have words to say how great the experience was - it was a beautiful day to spend in worship. 

Is it possible to have too much individuality?

Is it possible to have too much individuality?  Now I consider my self to be a very individual person.  I don't like when people try to impose their beliefs on me.   I think I can manage pretty well on my own, whether its financially, achievening my goals, or just getting by in life.  But I have been noticing, particularly since I have decided to become Orthodox, is that there is a whole lot (I mean a WHOLE LOT) of people who feel that its okay to individually interprete and almost design their religion. 

Before finding Orthodoxy I'm not certain I would have had any issue with this; in some ways it was how I operated, how I believed.  I dont know that I would have gone as far as interpreting the Bible on my own but I did believe that I could individually espouse beliefs that had some basis in religious thinking.  As  I am learning, leaving the interpretations of doctrine, Bible, etc is best left to the experts - being the Church.  And really when you think about it, it makes much more sence that way.    There are so many parts of the Bible left up to intrepretation, why should I (without any basis or formal training) attempt to make those interpretations on my own, individually?

Vacation Downfalls

For about the past week we have been on vacation.  It was been a wonderful trip and I have enjoyed all the fun times that have been had.  One thing though is that it has been hard to stay part of the Orthodox life.  Orthodoxy involves fasting, daily prayers, and attending Church (and for me right now Catechumen Class).  Being on the road, staying in different hotels (like 7 in 10 days) has made it difficult to stay active in the daily life we are supposed to lead.

Attending Church and class is obviously hard since we are in a different city and away from our local Church.  Luckily one of the Sundays we are gone there is no class so we are actually only missing one class.  Unfortunately its the class about the split of East and West, which is a topic I am interested in hearing about being brought up in the Roman Catholic Church.  We decided not to attend service here since we weren't sure of the proper protocol (since we are only catecumens). 

I have been much better at keeping up the prayers (although not as good as I should be).  Fasting has been harder than I would have thought.  I think this is due in part to not knowing for certain what day it is - this trip has been a blur of towns, hotels, and activities.  It is often at the end of the day that I realize what the actual day is. The other thing I think is being back in a town with some favorite restaurants.  I want to eat my favorite dishes, not meatless options (although I have managed to throw in some shellfish dishes on fast days when I remember).

Tomorrow we head back home.  I am looking forward to it - this trip has brought back some good memories and raised some questions about the future but if I am on my current path for no other reason than finding the Church, in the end it will be worth it.

Podcast: Worship and You

One of the many ways I am learning about Orthodoxy is through podcasts from Ancient Faith Radio.  There are a variety of podcasts with topics ranging from bible study to information about the specifics of worship to topics of daily life and how to integrate Orthodoxy into daily life.  I am listening to (or have downloaded but not yet listened to) too many to discuss in one blog so I will try to spread out my comments over several blogs.

Right now I am almost finished with a podcast called Worship & You.  In addition to being accessible on itunes and Ancient Faith Radio, you can find their website at http://worshipandyou.com/ (the website also includes study guides and discussion sheets).  I like this podcast because it takes about 6 or so sessions to break down what is happening in the Divine Liturgy - important for a newbie like me.   Each podcast has an overall discussion and also includes tip for including worship in your daily life.  Additionally, the podcast discusses the importance of daily prayer.  I like this part because it provides ideas for focusing your thoughts on your prayers and gives important reasons you should pray everyday. 

I would recommend this podcast for people wanting to learn about the worship service of the Church and how to integrate worship into your life.

Perhaps its a sign

Last night's post was about the commandment to love one another - and today the lesson at the back of the bulletin was entitled "The Greatest Commandment."  Below is an excerpt from the text:

"Even our Lord was once...asked what the greatest commandment was.  It was not an innocent question, rather it was meant to test Jesus. There were over 600 commandments the Jews were asked to obey, but certainly the questioners knew the words found in the 6th chapter of Deuteronomy: "You shall love the Lord your God with your whole heart, your whole soul and with all your power."  Jesus indeed gave the identical answer, but He also took it one step further:"Love your neighbor as yourself, for all of the Laws and the prophets are based upon this."  With just a few words, Christ put the essence of our spiritual live into proper perspective.

"Our Orthodox Faith is filled with commandments as well.  Still, everything literally does depend on how we follow these two commandments.  As a follower of Christ, let us make sure that this is the foundation upon which we build our spiritual life."

I have to believe the Lord is most definitely speaking to me about this....Well I'm listening and with God's help, learning to follow these commandments better.

A new commandment...

A new commandment, I give to you, that you love one another...it is part of a hymn sung during communion every Sunday morning.  It is a beautiful hymn and and even more beautiful practice....but not an easy commandment to follow all the time

Why is it that sometimes it seems so very much easier to love one another when the other is someone you don't know, or don't know well?  It never fails that the people you know can be the hardest to love.  A friend or acquaintance get a promotion or new job...how many times easier is it to feel envy rather than joy?  A family member, who knows how to push our buttons, can bring out anger and other feelings so far from love quicker than anyone. 

I have struggled with envy, jealousy, anger, pride....they are hard to fight - sometimes more so when people we know are involved.  Looking back at recent pictures I have of trips with my family there are some photos where my anger and frustration are evident.  Are these really the memories I want to have?  Are those the feelings I want to carry with me, associated with those certain people? 

Much harder is letting go of those emotions; love should be the easy route...particularly with those we love (i.e. family and friends).  Why then is it easier to hang on to all the negative emotions and let the love in?  Perhaps it is how we learn to truly forgive - not just for something that happened recently - but forgive all the transgressions against us.  And with forgiveness we can no longer hold those things against our loved ones.  It is a hard lesson...one I am certain I will continue to struggle with.  

General Thoughts

Being back as part of a church in general has made me more aware of my sins and of the general state of religion around us.  It is interesting to listen to the different voices of Christianity around me.  From the preacher on the radio/tv to the bloggers who criticize people with religious beliefs. But no matter what the voice, I am always glad to have found Orthodoxy. 

Humility

Humility...It is a hard lesson but one I believe the Lord is trying to teach me.  No nothing bad, embarrassing, or otherwise weird has happened.  The topic keeps coming up in church events and in the book I am reading. 

I have been reading a book that was recommended to me by our Priest  - "Early Christian Writings."  It is a compilation of the writings of some of the "apostolic fathers."  These are the people of the early church, including bishops and priests, some of whom learned from Jesus' disciples.  They provide interesting insights into the workings of the church and to early practices of worship.  But it is not that part of the writings that has spoken to me.  What I found striking in every one was the humbleness found each epistle.  It is truly amazing that these men, some of whom are now Saints, are so humble when addressing the members of the church.

It is hard, in this age of self-advancement and cut-throat corporate achievement to remember to be humble.  You really have to work at putting others before yourself...and yet that is what God expects of us.  For me, I am sure it will be an ongoing lesson, one that I will likely stumble with quite a few times...but it will be worthwhile if it bring me closer to God and his plan for me. 

   

Welcome

About two months ago after long deliberation, we decided to take a major "leap of faith" and became catechumens in the Orthodox Church.  We had looked for a long time for a place to call home.  We searched for a church that met certain criteria; primarily we searched for a church that closely resembled the early church, the church that Christ founded.  That search led us to Orthodoxy.

The struggle to truly learn about the teaching of the early church and to apply those teaching to a modern life has been interesting.  At times it is a true struggle (facing one's sins is never an easy task) and at other times realizing the joy of re-establishing a connection with God has brought peace and fullness into our lives.    

My attempt at this blog is to provide a dialog of what I learn during this conversion - both about the faith and about myself.  It should prove to be an interesting experience.